Sunday, November 12, 2006

Billboard hot 100

I'd like to note the fact that "My Love" has, against a sea of shit, reached the number one position on the Billboard hot 100.

Lets ponder my metaphor for a moment. A sea of shit. An entire sea of shit crashing against, lets say, the pure white cliffs of dover. Brown, smelly, squishing in and out of crags in the rocks, perhaps urine pooling at the surface. And this is not your shit that you like the smell of, this is your dad's shit that you must endure immediately after him, perhaps flush a second time?

Sexyback can eat a bag of dicks, Tim fucked that one up. I'm sorry, you can't play two chords and expect me to bring any sexy out of its cupboard in my booty. my bootycupboard.
Snow Patrol (who's entire album sounds like one power chord played ad naseum) is worse. and who the fuck is hinder at number five? I don't know where they came from but they look and sound like something that Bon Jovi crapped out after eating a Nickleback burrito.

Akon, who is no longer takin' it easy with young Jeezy but rather with Eminem, has always sounded like Shaggy's younger, less cool, brother. and when did Eminem start thinking that rapping like his crank-yanker counterpart was fine with us?

and fergie. you can't just add -licious to the end of anything and make it sound appealing. DMVlicious sounds as good or better than Fergielicious, I mean I'd rather participate in something that is DMVlicious, at least the DMV knows when it smells like urine. I must admit, though, the production by Will I Am is alright. I went back and trudged through Fergie's awfulicious words to make sure of it, so that must say something. Although Will I Am should have his tongue removed for some of the things he says.

"My Love" on the other hand is the return of the king. Tim's production is from space like it used to be when Missy was still queen (actually the track he did on the cookbook is pretty fucking incredible) and Mr. Timberlake sounds like he's found out how to masturbate. T.I.'s part kinda blows a little (Candle Guy? are you fucking serious?) but we'll let that slide.

I wish they'd left the cowbell driven beginning attached to the second half in the album, its a fucking sweet juxtaposition: first fast then supper drippy slow. oh well, I'm not the artist here, and I'm not trying to sell a million records. Good going Tim and Tim.

1 comment:

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